Perfectionism, beliefs, and adjustment in dating relationships

Signing up agrees to our terms of use. Not every Christian who is unmarried is unhappy about it. Some people are perfectly content with their singleness. And this is particularly painful for perfectionists. A perfectionist is someone who is extremely hands-on, likes to get things done in a specific way and sets goals that he or she fully expects to hit right on schedule. Oddly enough, perfectionism not only enhances the pain of unwanted singleness, but it can actually prolong it too.

Dating a Perfectionist Is Terrible for Your Sex Life

Is your perfectionist partner or family member driving you crazy? Perfectionists can be hard to live with. Read more about the classic traits of perfectionists here. However, with improved communication, compromise, and realistic expectations, it is possible to live happily with a perfectionist. Like many couples, Sam and Sara repeatedly have the same argument about housework.

Sara insists that the kitchen is cleaned religiously immediately following every meal.

Dating anyone can be a challenge, but a perfectionist can take things to a whole new level — for better or worse. They will think about and do.

Throw in a throwaway culture of romantic stick-or-twist and Tinder swipes, and the prognosis is bleak, the search for perfection seemingly never-ending. Worryingly, perfectionism is on the rise, according to a study by Thomas Curran and Andrew P. Fear not, though. Awareness is the first step in the journey of escaping high expectations.

At the risk of simplifying, the concept of the perfect relationship contains three elements. Placing high expectations on our own behavior is one thing; projecting them onto our partner is another.

Struggles Of Dating As A Perfectionist

I get my roots done every six weeks. Chipped nail polish makes me cringe. I graduated from college with a 4. I run exactly 10 miles because odd numbers drive me insane. It infests every facet of your life like a disease, distorts your thinking and expels rational expectations about everything and, even more disastrously, everyone. It was this thinking, this concept, that everything in my life could be shaped into something better — something perfect — that left me feeling endlessly disappointed and alone.

Perfectionist traits usually prevent healthy relationship formation. Here’s how to encourage a healthier dynamic.

A recent psychology study caught my eye because the interpretation seemed bizarre, and possibly misguided. And lo and behold, the satisficers were pretty happy with their spouses, but the maximizers were only happy, for the time being, if they had attractive wives as judged by the researchers or rich husbands. The way the researchers seemed to be interpreting their result, published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, was that male maximizers should marry beautiful women, and female ones should marry rich men.

Does this mean that even people who were really holding out for someone fun and intelligent should settle for rich or good-looking? Or is it assuming that money and looks are all anyone really cares about? I asked one of the authors on the paper, Florida State University graduate student Juliana French, why they chose to focus on looks and money. She said these are ancient values — looks being a proxy for fertility in women, and money being a sign that a man can provide for a family.

Besides, she explained, these are the traits that are obvious enough that maximizers can size up near strangers and compare them with their unfortunate spouses. Encouraging maximizers to recognize this in themselves is one thing. Advising them to pursue it is quite another. The maximizing tendency is a fairly stable trait, she said.

Dating perfectionism

This article series is available for download as a free PDF ebook. Click the button below to download my free ebook. Are you a perfectionist?

A perfectionist is someone who wants things done in a perfect way. A perfectionist always tries to make things right. He or she will always.

And if we’re being honest here, there’s also a good chance you have some investment in the identity of being a perfectionist because of the positive connotations of the word “perfect”—who doesn’t want to be perfect? It’s important to educate yourself about what constitutes perfectionism and why it’s seen as a negative thing. You can decide how much you want to work at shrugging off these traits and learn strategies to accomplish your goal.

The problem with perfectionism—and the reason you’ll want to know if you possess any perfectionistic traits—is that perfectionists actually tend to achieve less and stress more than regular high achievers. Being a perfectionist makes it more challenging to meet the goal of being perfect, or even of reaching a personal best. Perfectionists are a lot like high achievers , but with some key differences. The following are ten telltale traits of perfectionists, that you may be able to spot in yourself or in the people you know.

15 Things You Should Know Before Dating A Perfectionist

I have been in a dating rut for the last year. Despite giving it a good try I have not clicked with any of these women, and for all sorts of different reasons. My coworker called me out a couple weekends ago after watching me duck a bad date at a happy hour.

Dating is complicated. Add perfectionism leftover from an eating disorder; add trust issues from PTSD and I am a mess in the dating arena.

Attachment style refers to the theory that as children, we develop attachment systems that govern our relationships to our caregivers, and that influence and shape and manifest in our relationships as adults — especially with romantic partners. I am not claiming it is absolutely true. I want you to choose which of these thoughts sounds most familiar to you in a romantic relationship:. As you may have guessed, each of the above examples corresponds roughly to a different attachment style.

People socialized as women tend to disproportionately identify as anxiously attached, while people socialized as men tend to be more avoidant. Your childhood relationship with your primary care-givers is the usual suspect in attachment theory, along with your adult romantic relationships. But what I think is left out of this analysis is the connection between attachment style and heteronormative social conditioning. Because just as people socialized as women tend to be more anxiously attached than people socialized as men, people socialized as men tend to be more avoidant.

Think about how we are socialized to think about romance in a heteronormative society. Think of how many childhood stories end in a prince marrying a pauper, in a man sweeping a woman off her feet. Of course, there are people of every gender identity who display any of these attachment styles, but I am being blatantly heternormative to make a point: a heteronormative society results in gender socialization that is reflective of that heteronormativity.

Our attachment styles may seem unique to us, but they actually reflect the values and socialization of society.

5 Ways Perfectionism Damages Romantic Relationships

Career come with job description, KPI and constant feedback from managers. Somehow, career is the easiest challenge for a Perfectionist. They are extremely responsible so they will work hard to meet all the deadlines. They are the first to be promoted, so they have great chances to become senior managers in their 30s.

students in dating relationships completed the Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale. (MPS) and a multidimensional measure of relationship beliefs. In addition​.

Art Credit: Christie Graham Photography. I recently entered into my first relationship in what feels like eons but was actually only a couple years. Every fiber in my body questioned whether or not it was worth it to let someone in. The reality is my refusal to date exclusively had less to do with my potential boyfriend and more to do with my unwillingness to abandon my extremely rigid way of structuring my life. Having always been a bit of a control freak, I aim to excel at everything I do.

This only worsened with college; I was hell-bent on receiving the approval of every professor and every classmate. I cringed at the idea of my parents being any less than obnoxiously proud of me. I took pride in my seven to eight hours of sleep, my regimented workout schedule, my perfectly portioned meals.

Lesbianing With AE: Are your standards too high or are you just a dating perfectionist?

My marker slips, an unintentional line appears and my lip trembles. The picture has long since disappeared. But that feeling of deep frustration, even shame, stays with me. Falling short of a bigger goal, even when I know achieving it would be near-impossible, can temporarily flatten me. The negative drowned out the positive.

Dating a perfectionist? You better prepare yourself for some things. Click here to find out what to expect.

He’s too needy, too possessive, too controlling. This is my boyfriend’s problem. Because he can’t find a way to communicate well. I’ve noticed you’ve noticed the same thing. I’ve known this man for a long time. I’m not telling him exactly what to do. I’m telling him that we will always be together. I like him. I love him. I have no problem with him. But I don’t want a relationship. I wish I could see him in a romantic way.

Because I could feel so much connection in a belarus dating tour.

The Hurdle of Perfectionism